I’m going to be raw with you for a minute. Is that okay?
When I get to a place like this, I do two things. First, I pray. And then, I have to talk about it. Or, in this case, write about it. As nerdy as this is, writing is SUCH a release for me. It genuinely helps me to process my thoughts. And today, that’s exactly what I need to do.
I just need to talk about this. For my sake. And maybe this helps someone else too. I hope so. SO OFTEN, knowing I am not alone is exactly what I needed.
So, here it goes.
I am burdened. Weighed down. And flat out wrecked by anxiety. Gah. Just typing that feels better.
Are you a worrier? I am. I don’t feel like I was always this way. It’s been something I developed a while back, and for the most part, it’s been something I could control. I had plenty of that ‘new mom’ anxiety, and the typical worry we have for our kids. But, I’ve always been able to recognize when my anxiety was building, and I could get it under control by buckling down in prayer and distracting myself.
But these last few months have put me in a place I’ve never been; a place that I can’t seem to ‘shake off’.
I lived one of my worst fears this past summer. Having a child who is facing a life-threatening illness is, and has always been, an unfathomable nightmare to me. And that’s where we found ourselves just 2 1/2 months ago.
We spent 21 days in the Children’s Hospital and it’s safe to say, I spent most of my time crippled in fear. I DREAMED of the day we would go home and put this so very far behind us, and return to a sense of normalcy that I craved so much.
And we did go home, thankfully. And we have settled back into what I guess you might call ‘normal’ on the outside. But it’s still so far from normal on the inside.
I drift back and forth. I haven’t really ‘found’ my place since we got home. My business, my blog – it just seems silly in comparison to ‘the bigger picture’, and yet I need it, and am thankful that I have it, because it’s been a good way for me to get my mind off of things.
The thing with HUS (hemolytic uremic syndrome) is that there is no magic ‘now you are healthy’ button. Yes he is doing better, we are home, and we aren’t on dialysis. And all of those things are so praise-worthy. But, now we wait and watch, to see what kind of long-term damage, if any, this did to his kidneys. His numbers aren’t where we want them yet.
And I’m panicking over it. In my heart, I know this is crazy, but my mind gets the best of me, and I have a hard time resting in His truths. Instead, I get physically sick when we go for checkups. I’m constantly watching him for any sign of ‘abnormal’, and I’ve crumbled the times he’s been sick since we’ve got home. It’s driving me nuts, mostly because I KNOW better. I know I was made for more than living in this kind of anxiety. I know what God is capable of. I’ve seen Him calm a storm in my mind and heart that should have wrecked me. But I allow myself to drift so far away from Him, so quickly, and get to a point where I let anxiety overpower His truths.
Is this taboo to be talking about this? Should I be talking about this publicly? If I’m breaking blog etiquette, forgive me. But maybe this is something we should talk about a bit more. I know, for me, knowing I’m not alone makes me feel better. Maybe you’re are anxious over your child’s health. Maybe you are anxious about your marriage, or your job, or your friends. Maybe you are anxious and you don’t even know why.
I can’t tell you how to make it better, but I can tell you that, first, you aren’t alone. I’m sure if we were honest, we’d see that there are SO many other people out there that allow themselves to be burdened with worry. I can also tell you what I’m doing to work on my anxiety.
First, I’m praying about it. From detailed prayers about what I’m anxious about, to whispered ‘just help me, Jesus’ prayers. I know He hears me.
Secondly, I’m talking about it. Maybe that’s not your thing, and that’s cool with me. But for me, sharing this with some friends, and now, the whole world (haha), helps me to step back and realize what I’m dealing with. I’ve also gained some amazing Christian perspective from friends who have deal with this too.
Third, I’m remembering His truths. I talked about earlier how I let my anxiety overpower His truths. Well, if I need to paint them on the walls of my bedroom to remember them, that’s what I’ll do. So what are His truths? They are everywhere in the Bible. Here’s just a few I’m holding on to (and tempted to tattoo on my forehead):
- God’s Presence is CONSTANT. He is always with you. Joshua 1:9 “…..do not be afraid or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
- God loves me, and you, SO much. Ephesians 3:18-19 “….may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height – to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be fill with all the fullness of God.
- Nothing surprises God. Isaiah 42:9 “….Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I declare; before they spring forth I will tell you of them.
- God knows every SINGLE thing about you. Luke 12:7 “….But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
- He flat out tells us, DON’T WORRY. Luke 12:22 “…Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore, I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body; what you will put on.”
And the last thing I’m doing is to giving myself some grace. I am still comprehending the magnitude of the last 2 years for our family. From going to worrying for over a year about his prognosis from his injuries, to worrying about being able to adopt him, to the last couple of months, I’ve got to respect our circumstances and deal with this in way that makes sense to me (and I’ve got to remember that WORRY has done nothing to change our situation). What works for everyone else, may not work for you. And that’s okay. Do what helps YOU and do it at your pace.
I’m no expert. And I don’t know the ins and outs of anxiety. I’m just a mom who has been letting the fear of the ‘what-ifs’ and the fear of the unknown rob her of her joy. And I KNOW that you and I are both made for more than that.
