summer.

Last summer, we made a bucket list as a family. It included really simple things like backyard picnics, trips to the creek, and catching lightning bugs. It was the first time we’d ever made a summer bucket list, and it was a lot of fun to come up with ideas and cross them off our list as we accomplished each one. We were about halfway through our list when summer came to an abrupt stop and our world stopped spinning.

We are approaching the one year mark, and I don’t know if its the looming anniversary, or the fact that summer is here, but I’ve been wading through some pretty heavy anxiety lately. And for me, my ‘therapy’ is writing and talking about it. I have a feeling – I’m not the only mom who has felt this way.

I’m terrified of bad things happening to my kids. There. I said it. It cripples me. Literally cripples me some days.

I wasn’t always this way. Of course, I always worried about my kids like any mom does. And on Monday, July 23, 2018, I know I was probably a little anxious when my baby woke up with what I thought was a stomach bug – worried he would get dehydrated and hoping it would pass in 24 hours so we could go to the pool later that week.

We didn’t make it to the pool that week. In fact, we didn’t go to the pool anymore that summer. We spent over 3 weeks in the Children’s Hospital 4 hours from home, with half of that time in the pediatric ICU. Our little West contracted E.coli 0157 that developed into a life-threatening condition called HUS. His kidneys failed and his body became poisoned with the bacteria his kidneys couldn’t filter.

Those were some of the darkest days of my life. And it was a period of time where I realized just HOW quickly life can change.

Over the course of the last year, I’ve dealt with some pretty heavy anxiety stemming from this. West did suffer long-term damage – the extent of which only time will tell. We travel to UVA every 3-4 months for checkups and I hold my breath each time, waiting to see if he’s regressed. I’ve had the privilege to meet several other HUS moms and they’ve been an incredible support system for me. I’ve prayed a lot about it, and honestly, tried to keep my mind busy so I won’t think about it. And for the most part, it’s been okay.

And then, this past weekend, we took the kids fishing at the creek. And my anxiety came roaring back. We don’t know FOR SURE the source of the bacteria West contracted, but we think it was from a lake at a state park. We’ve since avoided most water out of an abundance of caution, but this first time back, I couldn’t handle it. He waded at the end of the creek, with water no higher than his ankles, but it was just too much for me. I know I made everyone’s time miserable, constantly nagging and panicking with every movement. In fact, my oldest said, “mom, WHAT is wrong with you!?”

Later that night, I laid awake for hours, imagining all of the things that could go wrong this summer, swearing I would wrap my kids in a bubble. I have a friend who’s daughter experienced a scary medical situation over the weekend that only heightened my paranoia. I got myself SO worked up that night over every imaginable ‘what if’.

WE ARE NOT CALLED TO LIVE THIS WAY.

I talked to Ben about it the next day because, so often, he’s my voice of reason. He made some great points, many of which I’m still praying over. When I’m in constant worry of WHAT could happen to my kids, I’m living in fear. And that’s living in direct disregard of what the Lord tells me to do. He says in Isaiah 41:10 to FEAR NOT because He is with us. The Bible also reminds us that the Lord doesn’t give us the spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7).

The Lord isn’t the author of fear, NOR does He want us to live in fear. So why do I do that?

I heard a sermon a few weeks ago from our youth pastor and it really resonated with me. When we have our identities FIRST placed in Christ, we aren’t consumed with worry about things beyond our control because we TRUST that it is in HIS control. Sadly, I let my priorities get all out of whack far too often, and I experience the ‘symptoms’ of too much worldliness and not enough Jesus. I see all of the sin in the world, and allow my mind to be so consumed on that junk, that I lose my identity in Him.

And that’s where I found myself this past week – overwhelmed by the sinfulness and brokenness of the world and letting it control my mind. So I stepped back from my laptop for a few days and refreshed and refocused. I’m remembering to give myself some grace – and step back for a while when I feel the nagging, un-holy weight of anxiety because I’ve forgotten my identity lies in Him.

Sometimes its good to be reminded that, indeed, He IS in control of our lives. And no amount of worry or fear will ever change that. Amen to that!

So, no bucket list for us this year – it’s still too raw for me to do that. Instead, we’re going to take it day by day – I hope we see lots of sunshine, lazy days at home, and a few fun adventures come our way.

And most importantly, I hope I remember to soak every bit of it up.